冷笑话
sun jun 19 17:05:05 cst 2016
怕大家无聊，给大家弄了些冷笑话：
“师傅，外面有一施主求见”
“悟空啊，都跟你说了多少遍了，为师今日身体不适，不宜见客!”
“是位女施主”
“把我阿玛尼的西装拿过来，都彭的皮鞋，欧米茄的手表，普拉达的眼镜，再来根高斯巴的雪茄，另外!把八戒宰了炖锅汤，接客!!!”
“。。。”
传说愚公想要移山，别人说不可能，愚公说，我不行还有儿子，儿子还有孙子，子孙无穷也。
后来感动了上帝，上帝说我给你派人把山移走吧。
愚公说：你多给我派点仙女吧，我好有更多的子孙啊。
“在古代神话中，为什么柳树槐树这种植物可以成精，甚至还有没生命的琵琶，而萝卜白菜水果蔬菜就不能成精呢?”
“上午发愿修炼，中午就被炖了。。。”
悟空被压五指山500年后，唐僧路过山下，悟空让唐僧将佛贴揭开。
唐僧走到山巅，见贴大惊：“都500年了!这帖子也tm太老了吧!”
劝君更尽一杯酒，西出阳关不包邮。
一骑红尘妃子笑，无人知是快递来。
前不见顺丰，后不见圆通，念宝贝之悠悠，独怆然而涕下。
众里寻他千百度，蓦然回首，快递还在中转处。
问君能有几多愁，恰似偏远地区不包邮。
今天和闺蜜出门逛街。。。我拿着她的钱包，她拿着我的钱包。于是在街道就能看到我俩拼了命抢着付钱的壮观景象。
看着儿子吃奶，突然有所悟，人性是贪婪的，这么小的孩子就知道用嘴吃着一个，用手捂着一个。
女人，不用拼命去减肥，有品位的男人都喜欢有肉的女人，喜欢骨头的那是狗，要看家庭旺不旺，得看媳妇胖不胖。
跟客户吵完架，看着他摔门而出走进大雨远去的身影，我心里也空落落的不太好受，觉得自己不应该这样对待客户。
哎，也不知道他此刻心情怎么样，会不会伤心难过，如果没有，我那些伤人的话算tm白说了。
十岁那年我看到有人欺负弱小，于是见义勇为，结果被胖揍一顿。
后来我发愤图强，刻苦锻炼，终于功夫不负有心人，现在我干坏事碰到见义勇为的，几招就可以把他们打趴下了。
那天有个坏人问我：丁丁是什么?
我说：丁丁是一种肿瘤，发病的时候会肿的厉害，而且影响心智。一般武功天下第一的人，都会将丁丁割了，这样就不会走火入魔，从而练就绝世武功。
见一哥们愁眉苦脸的，就问：怎么回事，这都当爹了，怎么还这么愁眉苦脸的?
哥们：哎，我刚查出得了不孕不育!
我擦这还了得，正要说话，哥们接着说：这万一要遗传给我儿子可怎么办!
我。。。
酒吧里，小强跟人起了冲突，对方说：“你再骂我一句呆b试试?你知道死字怎么写吗?”
“歹匕。”
今天敬老院里八十多岁的刘大爷和七十多岁的王大爷打了起来，大家七手八脚地拉开他们，问怎么回事。
王大爷愤愤地说：“早在小学的时候我就想揍他，现在终于能打过他了!”
今天一尼姑打扮的妇女，在车站推销一个画有菩萨图案的小挂件，不停的说一些佛法道法，保平安什么的。。。
有点烦了，就问多少钱，买了让她走开，谁知她说：“施主，我们出家人不谈钱，谈缘!”
我有点纳闷：“什么缘?”
“20元!”
菩提：你昏倒的时候叫了晶晶这个名字叫了98次。
至尊宝：晶晶是我娘子。
菩提：还有一个名字叫紫霞的你叫了260次!
至尊宝：啊，不会吧???!!!
菩提：这个紫霞一定欠你很多钱吧。
连长动员战士们：养兵千日，用兵一时，现在紧急任务，希望你们能在这关键时刻挺身而上。
连长话刚完，就有一战士离队而去，连长叫住他，问他为何走。
他说：我才入伍四个多月，一百多天，离千日远着呢!
我真搞不明白，有些化成灰都认得出的人，现在化个妆我就认不出来了。
刚刚被只蜘蛛咬了手指!卧槽!好激动!会不会变蜘蛛侠啊?到时候我是该先去抢银行还是先去掀女孩子裙子啊?好纠结。。。
电影观感其实是很私人的东西。你觉得小时代难看，我觉得何以笙箫默难看，他却觉得左耳难看，我们不能强求别人的观点和你一样，要学会接受不同声音的存在。毕竟这些电影各有各的难看。
每次带儿子出门，大家都说儿子长得丑，搞得我很尴尬，只好解释不是我生的。
君子报仇十年不晚，总有一天我要把欺负过我的人，在朋友圈一个一个骂一遍。
刚在电视上看到一个关于怎样防治大小便失禁的广告。 唉呀妈呀，太好笑了哈哈哈，笑得我都尿出来了。。。
现在碰瓷的那些人真是太疯狂了，今天，我的车一步还没走呢，一个老太太就咣当一声躺我车前面了，tmd，棋盘都压翻了!
本来肚子根本不饿，但是如果朋友在这时候说一句“我饿了，你陪我随便吃一点吧”，我就会随便吃的比她吃的还多。
英文：
\"master, a benefactor requested to outside\"
\"the wu is empty, have told you many times, for t unwell today, should not see guest!\"
\"is a female donor\"
\"get my armani suit, peng shoes, omega watch, prada glasses, root of gaussian and cigar, additionally! the pig slaughtered the soup, stew service!!!\"
\"...\"
legend yu gong want to move a mountain, others say impossible, said yu gong, i can't have son, son and grandson, infinite also.
later moved by god, god said i give you sent mountain removed.
said yu mr. : you give me some fairy, i good have more children.
[3] \"why willow pagoda tree in ancient mythology, the plant can be a fine, even no life of pipa, and radish cabbage fruits and vegetables can't into fine?\"
\"vowed to practice in the morning, at noon is stewed...\"
[4] wukong was pressure wuzhishan 500 years later, tang's monk passed down, the wu is empty to tang's monk will stick to uncover.
tang's monk went to the mountain, see stick frightened: \"500! this post also tm too old!\"
[5] advise you more as a cup of wine, west the sunlight don't pack mail.
a ride the world of mortals gold **ile, no one know is delivery.
see before motion, and not after yuantong read baby leisurely, alone and stuff.
he found thousands of baidu, suddenly look back, courier is still in transit.
asked her to have much sorrow, don't pack mail is remote areas.
[6] and girlfriends go out shopping today... i took her purse, she took my wallet. and in the streets to see spelled a life we rob to pay the spectacle.
looking at her son to eat milk, suddenly think, human nature is greedy, so **all children know eating one, with the mouth with a hand.
[8] woman, need not hard to lose weight, men are like that has grade woman with meat, like that is a dog bone, to see whether the family prosperous anemic, daughter-in-law fat not fat to me.
the quarrel with our customer, looking at his slam the door and out into the rain away, my heart also don't feel empty, felt that he should not treat customers like this.
ah, what also don't know him at this moment the mood, will be very sad, if not, i said those hurtful words calculate tm white.
[10] ten years old i saw someone bullying, so warm, and the results were fat beat.
i later careers, training hard, finally, everything comes to him who waits, now i met warm do bad things, a few action can beat them down.
[11] asked me that day there was a bad man, he is?
i said, he is a kind of tumor, disease will swell, and affect the mind. general martial arts world a person, will cut tintin, so as not to average computer-virus, always ready to practice martial arts.
see a the elder brothers woebegone [12], ask: what's the matter, this all when dad, how still so miserable?
man: ah, i have just been diagnosed with infertility.
i wipe the christi, was about to speak, the elder brothers went on to say: this one thousand want to pass on to my son can do!
i...
[13] in a bar, jack bauer clashed with people, and the other said: \"you stay longer scold me an b try? do you know how to write die words?\"
bi \"bad.\"
today 'homes in more than eighty - year - old grandpa liu and fought more than seventy - year - old uncle wang, you kid to open them and ask what happened.
uncle wang angrily said: \"as early as in primary school when i wanted to hit him, now finally can hit him!\"
[15] a nun dressed women today, design of bodhisattvas in the station sell a **all pendant, kept saying some dharma road, be safe or something...
a little bored, ask how many money, bought for her to go away, but she said: \"the benefactor, our family not to talk about money, talk about good luck!\"
i am a little wonder: \"what reason?\"
\"twenty dollars!\"
[16] bodhi: when you faint called jingjing the name 98 times.
sovereign treasure: jingjing is my lady.
bodhi: another name is purple xia you call 260 times!
sovereign treasure: ah, can't??????? !!!!!!!!!
bodhi: the purple xia must owe you a lot of money.
[17] the company commander to mobilize the soldiers: find one thousand days, fighting at that time, the urgent task now, hope you can stand up at this critical moment.
company commander had just finished, there will be a soldiers leave, the company commander asked, asked why he walked.
he said: no, i'm more than four months, he joined the army for more than one hundred days, far from the one thousand - day!
[18] i don't understand that some of the ash all recognize people, now i will not recognize a make-up.
[19] has just been bitten by a spider fingers! oh, my gosh! so excited! will not become spiderman? when i was the first to rob a bank or to lift the girls dress? good entanglements...
[20] film impressions are very personal things. why you think ugly little times, i think sheng xiao's ugly, ugly he feels he's left ear, we can't make somebody like you, must learn to accept the existence of different sounds. after all these movies each have each ugly.
[21] take son go out every time, everybody said the ugly son, make me very embarrassed, i were not born so we have to explain.
[22] the gentleman revenge decade not night, one day i want to bully me, in a circle of friends a call again.
[23] just see on television an ad about how to prevention and treatment of incontinence. oh mama ah, i was too funny ha ha ha, laughing and urine out...
[24] racketeer who really crazy now, today, didn't go my car step, an old lady is lying in front of my car crashed with a clash, tmd, board i have turned over!
[25] was not hungry, but if a friend at this time saying \"i'm hungry, you accompany me to eat a little bit\", i would literally eat eat more than her.
：www.sizhicn.com。_m.sizhicn.com
怕大家无聊，给大家弄了些冷笑话：
“师傅，外面有一施主求见”
“悟空啊，都跟你说了多少遍了，为师今日身体不适，不宜见客!”
“是位女施主”
“把我阿玛尼的西装拿过来，都彭的皮鞋，欧米茄的手表，普拉达的眼镜，再来根高斯巴的雪茄，另外!把八戒宰了炖锅汤，接客!!!”
“。。。”
传说愚公想要移山，别人说不可能，愚公说，我不行还有儿子，儿子还有孙子，子孙无穷也。
后来感动了上帝，上帝说我给你派人把山移走吧。
愚公说：你多给我派点仙女吧，我好有更多的子孙啊。
“在古代神话中，为什么柳树槐树这种植物可以成精，甚至还有没生命的琵琶，而萝卜白菜水果蔬菜就不能成精呢?”
“上午发愿修炼，中午就被炖了。。。”
悟空被压五指山500年后，唐僧路过山下，悟空让唐僧将佛贴揭开。
唐僧走到山巅，见贴大惊：“都500年了!这帖子也tm太老了吧!”
劝君更尽一杯酒，西出阳关不包邮。
一骑红尘妃子笑，无人知是快递来。
前不见顺丰，后不见圆通，念宝贝之悠悠，独怆然而涕下。
众里寻他千百度，蓦然回首，快递还在中转处。
问君能有几多愁，恰似偏远地区不包邮。
今天和闺蜜出门逛街。。。我拿着她的钱包，她拿着我的钱包。于是在街道就能看到我俩拼了命抢着付钱的壮观景象。
看着儿子吃奶，突然有所悟，人性是贪婪的，这么小的孩子就知道用嘴吃着一个，用手捂着一个。
女人，不用拼命去减肥，有品位的男人都喜欢有肉的女人，喜欢骨头的那是狗，要看家庭旺不旺，得看媳妇胖不胖。
跟客户吵完架，看着他摔门而出走进大雨远去的身影，我心里也空落落的不太好受，觉得自己不应该这样对待客户。
哎，也不知道他此刻心情怎么样，会不会伤心难过，如果没有，我那些伤人的话算tm白说了。
十岁那年我看到有人欺负弱小，于是见义勇为，结果被胖揍一顿。
后来我发愤图强，刻苦锻炼，终于功夫不负有心人，现在我干坏事碰到见义勇为的，几招就可以把他们打趴下了。
那天有个坏人问我：丁丁是什么?
我说：丁丁是一种肿瘤，发病的时候会肿的厉害，而且影响心智。一般武功天下第一的人，都会将丁丁割了，这样就不会走火入魔，从而练就绝世武功。
见一哥们愁眉苦脸的，就问：怎么回事，这都当爹了，怎么还这么愁眉苦脸的?
哥们：哎，我刚查出得了不孕不育!
我擦这还了得，正要说话，哥们接着说：这万一要遗传给我儿子可怎么办!
我。。。
酒吧里，小强跟人起了冲突，对方说：“你再骂我一句呆b试试?你知道死字怎么写吗?”
“歹匕。”
今天敬老院里八十多岁的刘大爷和七十多岁的王大爷打了起来，大家七手八脚地拉开他们，问怎么回事。
王大爷愤愤地说：“早在小学的时候我就想揍他，现在终于能打过他了!”
今天一尼姑打扮的妇女，在车站推销一个画有菩萨图案的小挂件，不停的说一些佛法道法，保平安什么的。。。
有点烦了，就问多少钱，买了让她走开，谁知她说：“施主，我们出家人不谈钱，谈缘!”
我有点纳闷：“什么缘?”
“20元!”
菩提：你昏倒的时候叫了晶晶这个名字叫了98次。
至尊宝：晶晶是我娘子。
菩提：还有一个名字叫紫霞的你叫了260次!
至尊宝：啊，不会吧???!!!
菩提：这个紫霞一定欠你很多钱吧。
连长动员战士们：养兵千日，用兵一时，现在紧急任务，希望你们能在这关键时刻挺身而上。
连长话刚完，就有一战士离队而去，连长叫住他，问他为何走。
他说：我才入伍四个多月，一百多天，离千日远着呢!
我真搞不明白，有些化成灰都认得出的人，现在化个妆我就认不出来了。
刚刚被只蜘蛛咬了手指!卧槽!好激动!会不会变蜘蛛侠啊?到时候我是该先去抢银行还是先去掀女孩子裙子啊?好纠结。。。
电影观感其实是很私人的东西。你觉得小时代难看，我觉得何以笙箫默难看，他却觉得左耳难看，我们不能强求别人的观点和你一样，要学会接受不同声音的存在。毕竟这些电影各有各的难看。
每次带儿子出门，大家都说儿子长得丑，搞得我很尴尬，只好解释不是我生的。
君子报仇十年不晚，总有一天我要把欺负过我的人，在朋友圈一个一个骂一遍。
刚在电视上看到一个关于怎样防治大小便失禁的广告。 唉呀妈呀，太好笑了哈哈哈，笑得我都尿出来了。。。
现在碰瓷的那些人真是太疯狂了，今天，我的车一步还没走呢，一个老太太就咣当一声躺我车前面了，tmd，棋盘都压翻了!
本来肚子根本不饿，但是如果朋友在这时候说一句“我饿了，你陪我随便吃一点吧”，我就会随便吃的比她吃的还多。
英文：
\"master, a benefactor requested to outside\"
\"the wu is empty, have told you many times, for t unwell today, should not see guest!\"
\"is a female donor\"
\"get my armani suit, peng shoes, omega watch, prada glasses, root of gaussian and cigar, additionally! the pig slaughtered the soup, stew service!!!\"
\"...\"
legend yu gong want to move a mountain, others say impossible, said yu gong, i can't have son, son and grandson, infinite also.
later moved by god, god said i give you sent mountain removed.
said yu mr. : you give me some fairy, i good have more children.
[3] \"why willow pagoda tree in ancient mythology, the plant can be a fine, even no life of pipa, and radish cabbage fruits and vegetables can't into fine?\"
\"vowed to practice in the morning, at noon is stewed...\"
[4] wukong was pressure wuzhishan 500 years later, tang's monk passed down, the wu is empty to tang's monk will stick to uncover.
tang's monk went to the mountain, see stick frightened: \"500! this post also tm too old!\"
[5] advise you more as a cup of wine, west the sunlight don't pack mail.
a ride the world of mortals gold **ile, no one know is delivery.
see before motion, and not after yuantong read baby leisurely, alone and stuff.
he found thousands of baidu, suddenly look back, courier is still in transit.
asked her to have much sorrow, don't pack mail is remote areas.
[6] and girlfriends go out shopping today... i took her purse, she took my wallet. and in the streets to see spelled a life we rob to pay the spectacle.
looking at her son to eat milk, suddenly think, human nature is greedy, so **all children know eating one, with the mouth with a hand.
[8] woman, need not hard to lose weight, men are like that has grade woman with meat, like that is a dog bone, to see whether the family prosperous anemic, daughter-in-law fat not fat to me.
the quarrel with our customer, looking at his slam the door and out into the rain away, my heart also don't feel empty, felt that he should not treat customers like this.
ah, what also don't know him at this moment the mood, will be very sad, if not, i said those hurtful words calculate tm white.
[10] ten years old i saw someone bullying, so warm, and the results were fat beat.
i later careers, training hard, finally, everything comes to him who waits, now i met warm do bad things, a few action can beat them down.
[11] asked me that day there was a bad man, he is?
i said, he is a kind of tumor, disease will swell, and affect the mind. general martial arts world a person, will cut tintin, so as not to average computer-virus, always ready to practice martial arts.
see a the elder brothers woebegone [12], ask: what's the matter, this all when dad, how still so miserable?
man: ah, i have just been diagnosed with infertility.
i wipe the christi, was about to speak, the elder brothers went on to say: this one thousand want to pass on to my son can do!
i...
[13] in a bar, jack bauer clashed with people, and the other said: \"you stay longer scold me an b try? do you know how to write die words?\"
bi \"bad.\"
today 'homes in more than eighty - year - old grandpa liu and fought more than seventy - year - old uncle wang, you kid to open them and ask what happened.
uncle wang angrily said: \"as early as in primary school when i wanted to hit him, now finally can hit him!\"
[15] a nun dressed women today, design of bodhisattvas in the station sell a **all pendant, kept saying some dharma road, be safe or something...
a little bored, ask how many money, bought for her to go away, but she said: \"the benefactor, our family not to talk about money, talk about good luck!\"
i am a little wonder: \"what reason?\"
\"twenty dollars!\"
[16] bodhi: when you faint called jingjing the name 98 times.
sovereign treasure: jingjing is my lady.
bodhi: another name is purple xia you call 260 times!
sovereign treasure: ah, can't??????? !!!!!!!!!
bodhi: the purple xia must owe you a lot of money.
[17] the company commander to mobilize the soldiers: find one thousand days, fighting at that time, the urgent task now, hope you can stand up at this critical moment.
company commander had just finished, there will be a soldiers leave, the company commander asked, asked why he walked.
he said: no, i'm more than four months, he joined the army for more than one hundred days, far from the one thousand - day!
[18] i don't understand that some of the ash all recognize people, now i will not recognize a make-up.
[19] has just been bitten by a spider fingers! oh, my gosh! so excited! will not become spiderman? when i was the first to rob a bank or to lift the girls dress? good entanglements...
[20] film impressions are very personal things. why you think ugly little times, i think sheng xiao's ugly, ugly he feels he's left ear, we can't make somebody like you, must learn to accept the existence of different sounds. after all these movies each have each ugly.
[21] take son go out every time, everybody said the ugly son, make me very embarrassed, i were not born so we have to explain.
[22] the gentleman revenge decade not night, one day i want to bully me, in a circle of friends a call again.
[23] just see on television an ad about how to prevention and treatment of incontinence. oh mama ah, i was too funny ha ha ha, laughing and urine out...
[24] racketeer who really crazy now, today, didn't go my car step, an old lady is lying in front of my car crashed with a clash, tmd, board i have turned over!
[25] was not hungry, but if a friend at this time saying \"i'm hungry, you accompany me to eat a little bit\", i would literally eat eat more than her.
：www.sizhicn.com。_m.sizhicn.com